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Carol

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[20 May 2008|09:37pm]
It's all falling into place.  I never anticipated learning so much in two years.  My career choice seems almost needed at this point.  I'm so very proud of myself and the work I've achieved.  Straight A's for the first time in my life, this semester.  A satisfactory on my assessment and continual of the BFA program.  An internship at Vassar College in Poughkeepsie this summer.  High praises from professors, TAs, and friends.  The feeling is that I can only go up from here.
Summer is not really looking too amazing right now.  Working too much, and when I'm not at work I'm sleepy or bored... or doing crossword puzzles.  I like having sudden spurts of friends coming around.  I feel like an ass not going to Sticky Rice tonight.  Oh well.  Just need to make the best of Richmond until June 20th.  Nervous.  Excited.  Anxious.  Afraid.  All of the above.
Nothing  can suck more than last summer.  And reflecting on it now, it almost seems like I was watching a movie of my life and not really living it.  I still miss Ben, Cayce, and Joe- and now on top of it I miss Celo.  I'm glad my mom is much better, and still making strides.  But it's sad to think about how vacant her social and work life is now.  I want to help her.  I want to not feel selfish that I'm here and she's there.  I just want this summer to be better.  Much better than last.
We just drew up a new lease for the same house, some new people.  I'm content with living here for another year.  I like the house that much.  (oh but now we can't park bikes in the house.  Suck my.)  However, I think after my junior year- I'll be looking to live alone in a single somewhere.  I think it will do me some good.  I'll feel more like an independent.
I'm just trailing off now from my original thoughts. 
Just hope that everyone who still reads this has a fun summer filled with good times.
Love
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20 in 10 days. [21 Dec 2007|11:31am]
[ mood | loved ]

Don't mean to startle you... but I'm glad I have the friends I have now.  They're great people.  And my birthday is coming up and it's going to be a real splash.   I'm going to wear sequins and metallic shoes and curl my hair.
Can't wait to see my family up North, I'll be there tomorrow.
Christmas is all about giving, and I feel so good about myself- I wish I could give the world.
I feel so priviledged these days.
And it's really kind of strange how this holiday season feels more like Christmas is actually coming than it has in the past years.  (Maybe it's the cheesey x-mas music that is shoved down my ears at work).
But now I'm afraid to open that envelope... and for assessments.  I don't know where I'm going yet.  Still.  Ugh.
And if I save up enough, Susan and I will be going to GERMANY this spring break!  I think I can do it, have to keep working my ass off.  But technically I already have $750 in savings, and the deal we're getting is $675 for round trip air fair, 6 night hostel stays around the country, and a 4 day train ticket pass.  I just got paid too, however, I'm using most of that check on a special boy's christmas present...

Yeah, so all I know is I have a stinky yet wonderful boy  behind me playing Sim City on a lap top in my bed.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT

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[08 Oct 2007|06:14pm]
oh  and now i'm really into burlesque theatre
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[08 Oct 2007|06:12pm]
 Hey, Shannon.
FALLLLLL (I wish)



So the leaves are turning on Laurel Street.  Yet why is it still 80-90 degrees outside?
Oh, and I guess the semester's halfway over.



Dassitthankyou
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"summer tears cannot wrong the sunshine" [30 Jul 2007|10:43pm]

So this summer has been the worst of my life.

I move into my dream apartment June 2nd, living up life like a true queen excited for the adventures that summer in Richmond would bring, when Mia breaks the news that three of our friends had just died in a car accident.
Went to funerals in Norfolk and Northern VA, leaned on shoulders, while letting others lean on mine.
I'm finally getting over it when...
My grandmother informs me that I'm going to be an aunt.  Information that should normally make someone happy.  The problems my brother has been having with his girlfriend (not wife) just led my down a path of upset and resent I guess.  It's just some heavy shit to process.  I have currently started to accept the situation in looking towards the positives of this birth when...
my uncle calls me yesterday at about 8:00pm to tell me my mom was rushed into surgery to treat a swelling and bleeding brain.
I'm writing now from New York where, after my mom has recieved extensive life-threatening brain surgery- I am feeling a bit better.  She was pretty much unresponsive to me at the hospital today when I visited her.
Never have I had to face a more difficult experience in my life than walking into my own mother's ICU room to see her hooked up to a respirator with a shaved head  and unconcious.
I had a rough day when after trying to figure out all of her insurance problems with my family, the doctor tells us that she pretty much has a 48 hour time frame.  Only time would tell us if she'd live through the infection of her brain and spinal chord. 
She's still being treated with antibiotics and is a bit more responsive than she was earlier today.
When they told us that at her age (49) in the circumstances she was in that she only had about a 50% chance of fatality I was on edge all day.
It looks like, after my uncle and brother visited her just now, she's doing a bit better.
But still only time will tell.

I'm not sure how long I will be here.  I had to call work and tell them the news.  I gave my roommates my rent check for August before I left town.  I know I still have bills to pay.  Unfortunatly, after spending this grueling summer working and taking a class, I might have to take an incomplete for my course.  The final paper is due wednesday, and with circumstances being what they are- I don't think I can and will make that time frame.  Still waiting for my professor to e-mail me back my options for completing the course I spent 7 weeks slaving over.  Never the less, I am willing to stay here in New York to support my mom until class starts August 23rd.  My brother is with me, and I think my mom needs us more than anything now.

Please keep my family and mother in your prayers.
If this summer has taught me anything, it's that life is the most precious thing we hold in the palm of our hands.  We have the power to create and destroy our lives and the lives of those around us.  Cherish yours.  Cherish loved ones.  Keep your faith.  Do what you want to do, be who you want to be, and try to live with as little regrets as possible.

My mother dedicated her entire adult life to helping others.  Hell, her whole family did.  My grandfather(her dad) spetn 50 years as a friefighter, even in his old age he'd still drive the engines.  Her brother, Tom, also a firefighter.  Her brother, Mickey, a fire chief in a town in New Hampshire- also a paramedic.  And my mother, a dedicated operating room nurse.  I am so proud of my family.  My grandmother there to provide love and support to allow for growth and creativity.  Creating a firm household whose ideals my mother never forgot to instill in me and my brother.

Be proud yourself, and make others around you proud.
No one can take these things away from you.

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[14 Jul 2007|07:30pm]
Susan leaves for Germany in the morning.
SO SAD.
SO JEALOUS.
I could have gone, my parents would have let me- would be my 'birthday present', could have gotten off work.
But who doesn't have an updated passport?  ME.
Fucking me.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

To Stafford I go
Fairfax on Sun-Mon
Tiff Wiff's B-day party tomorrow!
Homework
Laundry
Dentist
Pay Bills
Post Office
Lame
Lame
No Susan
Lame
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[25 Jun 2007|01:15pm]
Couldn't sleep last night.
I don't know why.
Susan and I had some lum and larry loke, and smoked some strawberry shisha.
rearranged the living room, watched the show about this family with a set of twins and a set of sextuplets.

Susan went to bed, and I tried.
Tossed and turned till 5am about.
Talked to Joe.

I hope we can go to the beach this week, like he says.
Get a hotel and be lazy

I missed work this morning because they made the schedule for this week so late last night that I just thought "oh well, I'll check it out this afternoon after class".  Sure enough when I say that I was scheduled this morning.  Fuck.  Other than that, I like work.  Come by and get a Smoothie.  Broad Street.

i don't know what else.  i'm hungr and have nearly no food to eat.  meh.
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[22 Jun 2007|01:58am]
I woke up from the most brutalist days of work this morning.
I had a migraine and felt nauceas all fucking day.
I ate ramen and goldfish and sipped coke.
I couldn't possibly fathom the idea of me working at 6pm.
I rode my bike like a sick little girl, aching all over, and then gradually I started to feel better.
Much better.
In fact I got a boost of energy and was super productive at work.
I felt like I belonged and could take care of myself and what had to get done.
My coworkers, managers, and boss are fun people.
They make work fun.
In fact I won 2 movie tickets today because I guessed how many free smoothies we gave away at 8:30.
It was all a great way to end a sick day.
I got on my bike, jumped in Susan's bed, pestered her, changed and rode over to Nara
where
I drank some beer, some rum and coke, and sang along to Zach Finch's band.
I had a dank ass night.
Tomorrow... the only thing on my agenda is homework.
I can bang that out in a few hours, no prob.
I wish I could talk to Joe.
He's on some church retreat, where he'll "find God"
either that or humor his dad.
He's not allowed to use phones this weekend.
Miss him terribly.
I need more water, then catch futurama and family guy on repeat on Adult Swim.
LATER!
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[10 Jun 2007|08:53pm]
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i'm such a sloppy drunken bitch
i missed my FIRST day of work today.
because i puked 7 times
hung over
i had fun last night, but why did i feel the urge to get myself toasted- i don't know.

Going to try Bev's ice cream tomorrow for a job.  Default is Tropical Smoothie.  Ugh.  Tell me about it.

We named our cats
Mom - Ethelene
Orange Tabby kitten (girl) - Margo
Gray Tabby kitten (boy) - The Baumer
Spotted twin kittens (boys) - Arie and Uzi

Yeah, Susan likes Wes Anderson.


I just watered our flowers in the front, and our tomatos.
I have the best boyfriend anyone could ask for.
And people constantly remind me.
I hope I am the best girlfriend he could ask for.
I try.
I miss him.
Anna's graduation party on Friday.  I got too excited with decorating her card and present.
Free ice cream and BBQ at my house in Fairfax on Saturday.  So come on over.

I love my house. here in Richmond.
I did a load of towels today and then scrubbed the bathroom top to bottom (the least I could do for occupying it this morning for 4 hours)

I can't believe I buried 2 of my friends last week.
I don't know when I'll stop being in denial about that.
It's all unreal.
Mia and I agreed that we had an amazing freshman year of college and a lot of it can be attributed to the wonderful people we met.  And if someone or something can take away our friend's lives, no one can take away the memories of all the good times we had.  I'm just stunned that there won't be anymore to make.  I'm going to miss Mia a bunch when she transfers this fall to U Arts.  Atleast I'll have her here in Richmond for the summers.  Holding her hand and saying goodbye to Cayce was such a powerful moment.  I'll never forget it. 
I had the best god damned freshman year.
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My Friends: [05 Jun 2007|05:09pm]


VCU students killed in crash

Monday, Jun 04, 2007 - 12:09 AM Updated: 11:55 AM



As they headed home from a concert in Lexington, Ky., Cayce Castelow, Benjamin Hutson and Joseph Amoury were "hootin' and hollerin'" in a voicemail message to buddy Jenn Lockwood.

"The three of them were on the road screaming into the phone at each other saying how much fun they had and how they couldn't wait to see everybody," Lockwood, a rising sophomore at Virginia Commonwealth University, recalled last night.

Castelow, 19, and Hutson, 18, both of Norfolk, and Amoury, of Springfield, were killed Thursday in a two-vehicle crash in West Virginia. The collision occurred on Interstate 64 near the Sandstone/Hinton exit, police said.

"I was very good friends with all of them," a devastated Lockwood said in a telephone interview from her Norfolk home. "I guess I've known Ben since about seventh grade, and I met Cayce a few years back when he started dating her."

Hutson and Amoury were musicians. But a love of music was but one thing that bound the trio.

"All three of them were vegans and very passionate about animal rights and green living," Lockwood said. The three constantly engaged in big political discussions. Hutson's laugh was infectious. Castelow had an award-winning smile; Amoury had an understated wit that would come out of nowhere.

"They were all so smart and so active. That's why it's such a shame. These guys really wanted to make a difference," Lockwood said.

Morgan Vaughan, a classmate of the three and a theater performance major at VCU, recalled Castelow as a music lover who had still-boxed KISS dolls hanging on her wall.

"We went through first grade all the way through our first year of college together," said Vaughan, who like Castelow attended St. Pius X Catholic School and Granby High School.

"She had the most beautiful smile," Vaughan said of Castelow. "If something was wrong, all you had to do is look at her and her smile would make you happy. She was just an all-around good person. She got along with everybody."

"It is a big blow on all of us. We never ever thought anything would happen, especially like this, to her."

Just before 7 p.m., the students were traveling eastbound in a Volkswagen driven by Castelow. The driver of a tractor-trailer on the westbound lanes lost control on slick roads, crossed the median and collided with the students' car. The car went under the truck, said West Virginia State Police Cpl. G.J. Reed.

The tractor-trailer then skidded into a Subaru Forester station wagon. The driver and a passenger in that car were taken to a hospital, where they were treated and released, police said.

The driver of the tractor-trailer, 49-year-old Ruben Fuentes of Powhatan County, also was taken to a hospital, treated for minor injuries and released, Reed said. No charges have been filed.

"It looks like from eyewitnesses that the truck was not traveling recklessly or even at a high rate of speed," Reed said. "It looks like he was traveling on wet pavement and just went into a slide."

The students were rising sophomores at VCU, university spokeswoman Pamela Lepley said. Amoury, who was a member of a band called Bird Noises, was pursuing a major in arts and music performance, but he was transferring to the College of Humanities and Sciences with an undeclared major. Castelow was studying political science. Hutson was undecided on his major.

Lepley said VCU officials have been in touch with the families.

Mike Raftery, a security guard at VCU's Gladding Residence Center, also knew the victims. Amoury and Hutson performed at his Jackson Ward home.

He called it another blow among a local community of musician-activists still reeling from the accidental death of Jonathan "Jonny Z" Zanin in a bicycle accident last month on the Boulevard Bridge.

"It's a sad thing with kids like that," he said. "It's totally random and quite hurtful."
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[04 Jun 2007|11:52am]
I've had one of the best and worst days of my life.
Standing on my brand new front porch in Oregon Hill, Mia tells me some devastating news.
I'm still in shock.  Still confused.
I've never had anyone... ANYONE close to me die before.
(No grandparents, relatives, friends... no one).

And now I'm struck with three.
Three fucking beautifully talented and passionate about life people.
Of course, I knew Cayce the best.
I can't think of a single person I met my freshman year of college I wanted to emulate more than her.
She was always peeking in my room, asking me if I was going to the bone zone that night.
She pretty much kept me up to date with the Richmond music scene.  Ha.
I'm so thankful that someone I admired SO much (and wanted to admire ME the same) was always so happy to see me.
Whenever we ran into each other, it was like christmas morning.  So excited.  Like we were never going to see each other ever again.
And now we won't.
I've learned so much from her and her kind heart.
Learned about myself, and who I want to be.
I feel selfish for mourning, because I know she has some wonderful friends she's known longer, or gotten to know better.
But I am truly thankful I got to meet and know Cayce Castelow.

Thanks for the smiles, the laughs.
Thanks for the sparks on Floyd St.
Thanks for dryer sheets, when I ran out.
Thanks for making fun of Christians with me.
Thanks for the crossword puzzles.
Thanks for yelling my name anytime I walked up the shafer staircase.
Thanks for all the cute little kissy faces you made as you passed my door to go down the stairs.
Thanks for introducing me to your wonderful boyfriend, who is also being missed right now.
Thanks for appreciating me, and my existence.
Thanks for always being a friend.


And Joe?  You were one talented mother fucker.  You could rip the madolin a new asshole.  And you did, and I watched and listened as I sat on the top bunk.  Sarah and I even made and threw confetti for you.
Thak you Tommy for introducing me to such a a man as Joe Amoury.
I plan to attend his funeral in Springfield, although once again I feel very selfish because I've only know him a school year too.
And how much I wanted him to think I was cool (just like Cayce).  Haha. 
I remember him being impressed with the array of food I had on my tray in shafer.
"YOU DON'T EAT MEAT EITHER?!"
"....Sometimes...."
Hahaha- I'm such a dork, and I'm glad you recognized that and embraced it.
I'll never forget sitting in your broken down mustard yellow velvet chair as we chatted listening to Of Montreal and waiting for TOmmy to shower.
You definitely spoke your mind with a clear head, and always fought for what you believed in.
The faces of the passerbys as they oogled at your gigantic breast in the window was a real treat.  A highlight of freshman year.
You'll be missed.

Ben, I only just started to talk and get to know you.
Cayce was lucky, and you were too.
To have someone to care for like that.
Thanks for the pizza.
I won't be able to go to Piccolas again without choking up.
You're such a friendly face.  Despite the fact we weren't best friends, you treated me like one.
Because I honestly didn't anticipate losing 3 of them.
I hope the kindness you showed me was because you were also excited to become better friends with me.


I just kept typing, sorry.
And speaking of Joe's
I miss the other one too, but am thankful I will be able to see him again.
This weekend.
We still have some home improvement to do on the house.  Joe's going to do the yardwork as I hang curtains and paint.
Never have I had a boyfriend before who has been to willing and able to help me like this.
He likes being the man, and I like it too.
I just wish I could be the woman and cook him dinner...
But he cooks too.
Hahah.


I don't know how to end this.
Sitting in the library, waiting for my dad to call me back.
Can't leave, have internet here and not my house.
nothing to do, but sit and get a headache looking at ben cayce and joe's facebook pages.
ugh.
my apple is brown.


thanks for my wondeful roomates and friends.
there was nothing better than rolling back up to my new house while sobbing on the phone to my mom and seeing the crowd of people wanting to cheer me up... AND DRINK MY ALCOHOL.  Haha.
We still need to go to Texas beach.
I love you guys.  And I'll keep reminding you because if I ever experience the same tragedy with anyone again, I can't go on with life knowing I never told my dearest friends how much they meant to me.
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[29 May 2007|09:08pm]
no.
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[26 May 2007|03:06pm]

yeah, it's all the same.
still working for my parents.
all my shit's pretty much packed.
i'm so ready.
might stafford tonight, might not.
definitely staffording tomorrow.
jackie actually comes on memorial day.
trying to raise some hell.
some drunken hell.
got a dank new cell phone.
bought myself some forever 21 sales for painting the living room
ate some cheesecake factory last night
still feeling fat
and now our fairfax hang out has been lifted, so this sucks
a week from today and I'm out.
come visit, or atleast say you will
oh yeah so i made dean's list first and second semesters
i'm going to try and apply to the VCU honors college
my dad says "but what if because of the harder classes you don't make dean's list?"
it's funny because that's always been my stance
why take harder classes and make bad grades when I can take easy classes and look like a fucking genius?
why... because i want a challenge i guess
i don't know what i'm doing.

ahhh i lost my eye drops

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[17 May 2007|03:12pm]
i am dying.
a three day headache.
sucks.

i left NY with high hopes, it was a good mother's day weekend.

11:30am Wednesday May 16th
dancing to blu cantrell for joe and maggie
it was such a lovely morning.
lunch in fredricksburg.

now stuck in ffx, doing yardwork and stuff for my step mom.
dying.

need to start packing.
need to see joe on monday.
need to see jackie on monday.
need to make the best of all of this until then.
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[06 May 2007|08:28pm]
Last night:
Cinco de Mayo
Wore a moustache -- later snaked by Eric Yang (kind of a big deal)
Drunk on the cobblestones downtown, with some amazing theatre freshmen friends to hold me up
Fucking raining
Witnessed a hit and run
WASTED AS SHIT... yet no hangover today  (I am super woman)
Had a cute/farty boy in my bed that night
It was a super dope way to end freshman year.

Shower then back to packing and grazing over some intro to drama notes
Move in date less than a month away!
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[26 Apr 2007|12:55pm]
Just gotta get past finals.
Then life is going to start getting exponentially more fun.

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.
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sweet... [16 Apr 2007|11:04pm]
I had to take a generalized anxiety disorder test for a Psychology lab
I scored a 66
70 being the highest
over 60 they suggest you see a doctor.
I always knew this, maybe I really should pursue it.

also, took a test to see if I qualify for any disorders
I got this as a response:
(And I can't think of any other descriptions to better label myself with)

Excessive need for admiration or attention

Suggestibility

Envy

Avoidance

Social inferiority feelings

Need for excessive advice and reassurance

Preoccupation with details

Based on the above answer(s), your personality traits might be associated with following personality type(s):

Histrionic Personality

Avoidant Personality

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it rained ALL day [15 Apr 2007|11:46pm]
SECRET CLUB HOUSE instated today.
under my bed
named "God"
you need password access.
sorry.

i haven't had that much silly time fun in a long long long time.
thanks, joejoeba
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In the kitchen section of Home Depot I realized: [26 Mar 2007|12:23pm]
I make good decisions.  I'm making better ones.
I'm content.
I'm happy.

However, I am super busy.
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Let me rant, okay? [21 Mar 2007|12:56pm]
[ mood | fucking pissed ]

Fuck you, Father.
Fuck
YOU.

"I have no money, there's no money"
Okay... well my computer's still broken.  You yell at me everytime I need money when I offer to use my own.
Flashback "I'll pay for everything that has to do with school.  You don't need to worry about it."
The present "There's no money for me to get you a new computer.  So don't hold you breath."
Oh, so there's no money?  So I don't get financial aid because you make too much of this thing called money, but there's none of it, dear old Dad?

SWEET.  So how about we go out on that BRAND NEW back porch and sit in our BRAND NEW fucking hot tub and contemplate about where all this MONEY went.

So, in the mean time I won't have a functioning computer, and I won't call up technology services because they charge $55 an hour and we don't have THAT KIND OF MONEY.


Fuck you, I need to get a job and never be dependent on this man ever again.  People actually do these things and they struggle, but they're still living.
I never want his help ever again.

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